<Enter Title Here>

ACE3000 · **Posted:** April 6th, 2009, 10:21 pm

Here is a story I have kept in my head for a while... I have plenty like this, and I would like to know if it is any good. If it is I will post more and continue on stories if not I will try to dissmiss them as useless imagination.
Here it is :

Quote:

It was a wet, dreary, and rainy night in Beit Ilnan. A 12 year old boy named Jack was excitedly running home from his first day at his newly aqcuired job; however, the torrent of rain dampened his spirits a little, but he still was still excited. Just as he was rounding a corner to enter his neighborhood a man wearing a black hooded robe appeared in front of him. Jack's initial reaction was complete surprise because the man seemed to appear out of thin air. As soon as he recovered from the surprise, a look of fearful recognition was apparent on his face.

The hooded man was completely hidden underneath the hooded robe, and it was the only distinguishable feature the man had. Suddenly the hooded man stretched out his hand and a sword suddenly appeared in it. If Jack was not so afraid he might have noticed that the sword was a beautiful, but mysterious weapon. It was a blue, almost transparent, sword with a dull aura radiating out of it adding to the mystriousness of the figure. As the hooded man held out his sword he began to walk towards Jack. Now Jack had an expression of sheer terror and dread. He started to shift his eyes looking for a way to escape without easily being chased. The hooded man was getting closer as precious seconds ticked while Jack stood there, frozen in fear, trying to think of what to do. As the hooded man was nearly upon him, Jack decided that his only choice would be to sprint past the hooded Man as fast as he can.

Jack ran as fast as he has ever run. Unfortunately the hooded man was much faster. As Jack was running past the figure, it raised the sword and swing it swiftly, but firmly. Jack lamented in what he percieved to be as his last moments; however, A second man appeared who pushed Jack out of the way, and parried the man's sword. Had he been a second late Jack would have been dead.

I am thinking it is a little short, but I don't even know if it was good.

Greed · **Posted:** April 6th, 2009, 10:39 pm

Though my words probably don't carry much in the way of merit yet, I'm still going to say my piece.
Great inspiration really, I enjoyed the descriptions but there is one qualm I have. Your choice of wording is pretty good, but (sorry if I'm being blunt here) it interrupts it's own rhythm at some points. If that makes much sense.

Personally though, I enjoyed reading it. Is it a rough draft, like the first time you put it down to paper?
Oh and I do have one tiny distaste to it. >_> The name Jack. XD

Quite good writing though. =)

ACE3000 · **Posted:** April 6th, 2009, 10:49 pm

It was an Idea in my head that I just typed. What should I name the kid
?? I had no idea, so I chose a common name, kinda contradicting the vilage name though?? thanks for the thing on wording, I will try to fix.

Greed · **Posted:** April 6th, 2009, 10:57 pm

Glad to help. =)
That'd explain it. I rewrite my chapter's in my stories over ten times before I'm happy with the way they sound. If you have trouble with something, read it out loud like you're reading it to a group of children or something similar. =) Put as much enthusiasm as you can, if something makes you go "bleh!" then take it away.
That's my advice anyway. <_<

darkauras · **Posted:** April 7th, 2009, 2:34 am

Are you writing from omniscient 3rd person? Because, to be entirely honest, I'm not quite sure what the perspective is...

I'd love to see this chapter told entirely from Jack's viewpoint (Jack is a great name...means Supplanter, how awesome is that?) You could go into his terror, how the rain feels on his skin, how excited he is about the job.

Show me, don't tell me.

Example: You wrote: A 12 year old boy named Jack was excitedly running home from his first day at his newly aqcuired job; however, the torrent of rain dampened his spirits a little, but he still was still excited

From Jack's perspective it might be more like: A job, Jack had a job. It had been hard to win that position from the older, stronger boys. The older boys had all said he was too small, that twelve was too young too start working, but he had proven all of them wrong. The day would have been perfect, had it not been for the icy sheets of rain that made him shiver in cold and damp as he raced through the street, ducking under the eaves when he could for a moment of dry rest. Still, even the rain wouldn't put a damper on his spirits today.

See what I mean? Everything is from Jack's viewpoint. There is nothing wrong with omniscent 3rd person, if that's what you want to write in, it just makes it harder to get to know the characters on a personal level.

Hope it helps. This sounds really interesting...I want to read more.

ACE3000 · **Posted:** April 7th, 2009, 9:48 am

I see what you mean, but I am also considering giving some more background. Starting from a previous point in time including how he got the job. Do you think that is a good Idea or should I just fix my mistakes here and continue?

darkauras · **Posted:** April 7th, 2009, 2:44 pm

I say write the back story. It will help establish your world, your characters, and the atmosphere of your story.

ACE3000 · **Posted:** April 7th, 2009, 3:12 pm

OK thanks for the help. I will rewrite beginning and what you read will become a later part. :weird:

ACE3000 · **Posted:** April 8th, 2009, 8:52 pm

OK so now I think I will start with introducing the setting(Some thing about lands/village name, some features of village...etc)

Quote:

The fortress of Beit Ilnan was founded as a village in a valley surrounded on all sides by mountains. Eventually the village expanded to cover the mountain tops, and the downhill slope of the northern most mountain. At the bottom of that mountain was a large lake that had a river running through it. A large stone wall surrounded the Fortress. As a result Beit Ilnan was safe from invaders, hunger and isolation. Beit Ilnan truly deserved such a name since it meant "Mighty home". Beit Ilnan had many stories and secrets, and this is only one of them....

Is this a good intro? Rough draft it is by the way. I plan to use this as a prologue kind of thing for every story I make up of this world. :weird:

Dreamer · **Joined:** March 12th, 2009, 9:13 pm **Posts:** 294

yeah that would make a good intro/prolog, later on you might want to flesh it out a bit but seeing how it is a rough draft its pretty good ^_^

NDA Art Critique Message Boards

<Enter Title Here>

Who is online