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Should I continue this story?
yes 67%  67%  [ 2 ]
no 33%  33%  [ 1 ]
Total votes : 3
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 Post subject: Re: <Enter Title Here>
PostPosted: May 2nd, 2009, 10:40 pm 
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Ancient Dragon
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Location: Somewhere. Plotting
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<Sqwauauqaqaqaqaq> The dich, animals similair to chickens, cried out at dawn. Their cry, as usual, started everyone's day by waking them up. Most people in the fortress either went to work or sat to admire the sun rise from behind the mountains that surrounded the valley. However, Malik was not like most people. Malik was an introverted 14 year old boy who shared his home with two parents, a newborn brother, and three sisters. As a result, he was forced to do the morning chores that most boys do with brothers alone. Unfortunatley Malik was a little smaller than most other boys and had a hard time doing most of the chores. For that reason he was used to waking up earlier than everybody else to finish the morning chores on time for breakfest. His chores usually included watering the family plants and trees, feeding the family baghel, used like we would use mule/horse, running to the fortress barn to get dich eggs, submit any surplus gained to the fortress storerooms, and spread/mix manure with empty fields for the family to plant in for the next season.Unfrotunately, Malik's parents did not have any extra craft skills to make a living off of. As a result, Malik's family were considered among the poor families of the fort. Fortunately, no one in the fortress went hungry due to the extra supplies were issued to the those in need. Despite the many setbacks in Malik's life he did not hate his life. Malik was unusually smart for a boy his age, and he had a very creative imagination. So he was able to entertain and distract himself by thinking about things to pass the day without feeling depressed about his life. Malik was not the only one who had a hard time. His sisters Eman, Tasnim, and Layla had to cook and clean for everyone. They also had to brush down the baghel, and their other responsibility was shopping for the house supplies which was hard since they had todecide what they needed, but they enjoyed it anyway. Malik's mother, Salwa, was occupied by her new born son, Malki's brother Alai. His Father Sief did most of the work. His Father did most of the yard work, he was responsible of repairing most damages caused by storms that often hit their home in the winter, and he worked at a big farm. Today, however; changed Malik and his Family's normal morning schedule because today was the Harvest Festival that comes on the last week of the harvest and Autumn. On this day the Fortress farming area was a very busy area. People were busy measuring plants, testing fruits, vegetables, and animal products for quality, and having a good time in general. Items for the winter were bought during this festival as well making most of the fortress crowded in this area. The state of Malik's family prevented him from having the week off like most other boys, and he would stare enviously sometimes when he was getting dich eggs, or when the rare occasion came when he would submit surplus in this week. Since Malik was among the poor families he often would be jeered at by the boys and girls in the wealthier families. Sometimes he would insult them back because it amused him to see others frustrated and angry. This festival was not any different for Malik because the wealthy kids all gathered just to make fun of poor kids like him.

" Hey Malik" shouted out the son of a big farm owner "You should taste some of this, it is delicious. Wait I forgot you can't afford it!"

This remark was followed by laughter among the wealthy kids, but Malik did not have time for a smart remark because he still had much work to do. However, he misjudged the stiuation by thinking that if he keeped quiet they would leave him alone.

"Where you going?" said another wealthy kid aggressively "you'll miss the festival, and I insist that you stay" This was followed by some more laughter, but Malik kept walking as he ignored their remarks as best as he can.

"I said I insist that you stay" said the same boy while trotting towards him.

"Sorry, but unlike you I have to work" said Malik still walking without giving the wealthy kids as much as a glance.

"Not today you're not" said another boy as the group moved toward Malik.

Malik started to walk faster, but as he was doing so the wealthy kids ran to surround him.

"Today you're not going anywhere, and by the time we're done with you you won't be able to "work" for a week" said another kid in the group.

Malik was not afraid of fighting. He has fought many times, and succeeded because he was faster and he outsmarted his enemies. This time, however, he was surrounded by wealthy kids who all wanted to beat him up....



I cut out some of the chores.

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 Post subject: Re: <Enter Title Here>
PostPosted: May 2nd, 2009, 10:52 pm 
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Ancient Dragon
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This is a continue of the last section sorry for double posting.

Quote:
...Malik took a defensive fighting position he used when he fought more than one person, but he knew it was enevitable and that they will eventually get their way, but he thought that he might as well give some of them a bloody nose. The wealthy boys inched closer, and as they did Malik lashed out at the nearest boy by making a swift puch to his nose. Then he turned around punched another in the stomach. For a moment the wealthy boys just edged back in surprise from Malik's ferocity. Just as he hit a tenth peron two burly boys grabbed him from behind, and the biggest one of the group came towards Malik, getting ready to puch Malik until he lost consciousness as the others cheered. However, just as the boy was about to hit Malik An old voice yelled out....


If you are reading this I might be back later on tonight to write the rest of this section.

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 Post subject: Re: <Enter Title Here>
PostPosted: May 12th, 2009, 7:23 pm 
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Ancient Dragon
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Location: Somewhere. Plotting
Ok Although this is my thrid post after myslef I intend to write alot. SO here it continues:

Quote:
.....Malik would have noticed that voice anywhere. Even those who wished to harm him turn in surprise. The old voice belonged to Rak'nil Ilnan's best blacksmith to ever live. Rak'nil was also famous as a great swordsman and warior in his youth. Most of the wealthy kids admired his past skill as a fighter and wished they could be like him, but they would never admit it openly. Rak'nil disliked the wealthy kids always calling them "fat", or "lazy" exactly as he intended to do now.

"Get out of the road ye blathering lumps of fat" he yelled addressing the wealthy kids. "Can't ya see that others are trying to get ta wok this mornin' ".

One of the bolder of the wealthy kids replied "but this runt here was bothering us".

Unfortunately he did not know the old man's dislike for the wealthy kids.

"Leave the boy alone. He is better'n all of ye put tagether. Can't ye eedjets see that the boy has to work to" Hearing most of the wealthy kids inched away from Malik, but some stubbornly stayed close causing Rak'nil to continue ranting at them.

"Did ye not hear what I said. I Said leave the kid alone. I swear some of ye are dafter than a bag o' nails." Then the Old man chuckled as he added the last part of his ranting to them " I geuss I will havt ter tell yer parents that ya need more of the school courses ta knock a little sense inta ya."

Hearing this the wealthy kids all streamed away to meat someplace where they can not be chasticed by the old man. After they were all gone Rak'nil motioned Malik over.

"Follow me I fot something ter show ye" said Rak'nil excitedly.

Malik followed Rak'nil to his home in the industrial section wordlessly. Rak'nil always was looking out for Malik as he had been a close friend of his grandfather who died two years ago. Rak'nil used to tak Malik to his home to give him materials that Malik would tinker with and invent things with in his free time. However, recently Rak'nil has taken a special interest into Malik. Malik has noticed Rak'nil trying to spy on him or disscuss issues with Malik's father often slightly motioning to Malik in between words. Malik thought that this visit was like no other not knowing that this day might change his life forever...


When they arrived at Rak'nil's home they both went into the back of the house and sat on some benches put there. Malik did not see the stack of items usually prepared for him, but he was an expert at hiding his feelings so Rak'nil did not notice.

"I have been discussing something with my self and I ahve finally decided." Said Rak'nil pausing slightly. " I decided that I will take you in as my apprentice." Rak'nil then paused to let Malik absorb what has been said.

Although Malik did not often express his emotions, the shock and surprise was shown clearly on his face. He has never felt so excited or surprised in his life, but his excitement, and surprise did not last long as it occured to him that he is needed home at the farm and could not leave his home. Rak'nil expected the excitement, and surprise to last longer, and he read the concern in Malik's eyes so he aked Malik what was bothering him.

" Is anything wrong, I thought you would be excited by this offer, but you face betrays you. Or am I mistaken." Said Rak'nil with concern.

" No you are correct, I was excited, but a thought occurred to me and I must turn down your offer." Said Malik " I am sorry"

A look with surprise, anger, and other emotions surged through the old man's face as he stameringly replied "W..what!? Why? I cannot think of any reason for this madness!! Explain yourself Malik! You have caused me great confusion, and I cannot begin to fathom how your brain works!"

As usual Malik kept a calm face as he replied. "I will be needed at the farm to help my dad."

Malik's reply brought great realief to Rak'nil. He has never felt so many feelings, or such a strong frustration than Malik's comment which was now clarified to him. Upon seeing Malik's reason he smiled as he replied.

"That matter has been settled between me, and your father." Said Rak'nil with evident relief. "You need not worry yerself, but feel free to know that today is you last day working on a farm."

Although Malik was very skeptical, and doubtful of that he did not argue, and rose to leave and complete his chores.

"I will expect you here at dawn tommorow to begin. Bring all your belongings as you wil live with me starting tomorrow." Said Rak'nil as Malik left to continue his usual scheldule.

Fortunately, the dich eggs were not squashed by the short fight between Malik and the wealthy kids. He arrived home moments later without incident. It was still early in the day, and it was time for breakfest. Malik gace his mother the eggs, and sat down. He must have seemed more aloof then usual since he was deep in thought about Rak'nil's offer. This caused his mother and sisters to question him as they were often conserned about there brother.

"Are you alright sweety?" Asked his mother only like a mother can.

"You are more quiet than usual is something wrong?" chimed in his elder sister as his other sisters looked at him with concern.

"I am fine. I don't say much usually so don't worry yourself." Replied Malik.

"Did anything happen to you while you were coming here?" Asked Malik's mom.

"A little trouble with the wealthy kids but it wasn't much." Said Malik.

As they were talking Malik's father entered, and breakfest was laid down to eat. After breakfest Malik set off to do the rest of the day's chores wondering whether or not he was ever going to follow this schedule again. The rest of the day's chores included his midday job at one of the big chores. His evening job included putting livestock away at the same big farm. Later after finishin his chores he went home or the night , and decided to ask his father about Rak'nil's offer. He arrived at his home at night. At home he sat where he usually sat in the family sitting room. The rest of his family was already there. His mother was taking care of his baby brother. His sisters were talking amongst themselves, and his father was sitting alone while sipping a cup of tea. He went to his father, and sat next to him as he thought of how to begin asking his father about Rak'nil's offer.

"What troubles you son." asked Malik's father breaking the silence.

"Rak'nil offered me to become his apprentice." replied Malik. "He also said that he already talked to you about it. Is that true."

Malik's father smiled as he answered Malik's question. " Yes, indeed he has told me about this, and I agreed."

"What about work on the farm. Who will replace me?" asked Malik.

"Rak'nil will pay us for keeping you as an apprentice, and so we don't need to work as much on the farm." said the father. "And now for some supper" said Malik's father a little louder.

They ate supper in quietness. Malik thought of what would happen the next day. After supper they all slept in order to be able to wake up early the next day..


Well what do you think. I like the story, but I am not sure if any one else does. I don't mind crit.

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 Post subject: Re: <Enter Title Here>
PostPosted: May 13th, 2009, 7:33 am 
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The Sunny Stormcloud
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its very good so far i want to see what happens next!

i noticed some typos and some grammatical errors, but other than that its great!

just throwing this out there. is english a second language to you? cause the grammatical errors are similar to those of someone who learned english as a second language. if it is thats kewl. don't get offended 'cause i asked please.

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 Post subject: Re: <Enter Title Here>
PostPosted: May 13th, 2009, 4:30 pm 
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Ancient Dragon
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It is ok. I think english was my semi second language. I was learning Arabic first. But I lost a lot of it. Can still speak and write, but can't do what poets can. But I think I am good enough in english to spew a up good grammer every now and then.

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 Post subject: Re: <Enter Title Here>
PostPosted: May 18th, 2009, 6:14 pm 
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Ancient Dragon
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Location: Somewhere. Plotting
The story continues:

Quote:
.... Almost everyone slept soundly that night. Almost everyone. Malik could not sleep because he was excited about the new life that he will start tommorow. His mind was filled with expectations, and sentimental thoughts about his current but ending life at the farm. He was listening to the noises of the night hoping to drift back into sleep. He listened to the night birds , and circkets creeking noisily, as they lived their night lives. As he was drifting back to sleep he heard a most unusual sound. He heard a bird's call that sounded something like the scream of a child but errie, and distorted. He got up from his bed, and went to the window to see what could make such a sound. He did not see anything that he would not see any other night. As he was about to go back to bed he saw a shadowy blur. He could not make out what it was, it made the hair on the back of his neck rise. He waited quietly for about ten minutes hradly breathing while straining his ears. When nothing happened he went back to his bed, deciding to ask Rak'nil about it the next day. Slowly Malik drifted into a short dreamless sleep...

...At about an hour before dawn Malik awoke quietly, and went to the kitchen, to see if his family was awake. He found his mother, his sisters, and his father.

"Good Morning" said Malik in greeting.

His family in the kitchen were all startled. Malik was usually quiet, and he caught most people unaware when he would say something. This morning was not any special morning. Like any normally peaceful morning, it was very quiet. The only sounds to be heard were the sounds of the wind, gently carrassing the trees, and bushes. Usually, his family would be talking to each other, but this morning they were all quiet because it was the last morning with Malik. Also a confused dich or two would be cawing, an hour earlier than the rest, but this morning was completely silent. For a couple of minutes after Malik entered the kitchen they all stood staring at each other in complete silence, not knowing what to say to each other. Finally after what seemed like an eternity Salwa, Malik's mother, broke the silence by asking if they wanted to eat breakfest.

"Would you like to eat breakfest Malik?" asked Salwa "You don't have to do any chores this morning, and if you plan on eating might as well start now."

After stating that Salwa, and her three daughters began working to prepare breakfest. As they rushed around, Malik sat at the table across from his father. No one said anything while they prepared their breakfest. As before they went with their business without a word. Now even the wind seemed to stop. It was as if the world was holding it's breath in anticipation of what the day was going to bring. Finally, they sat down t oeat breakfest, but still they had not said anything to each other. When they finished and were clearing the table Malik's father motioned to him to go into the family room. In the family room Malik's possessions were all put inot a bag. Malik's father, Sief, told him to wait where he was standing. After about five minutes he returned, he had a box in his hands. As he walked over to Malik he said:

"Malik I have been wanting to give you this for a while, but I never had the chance...."

Although it did not show on his face, Malik became very intrigued, and curious. He had no idea what this box had. What could it possibly contain? he asked himself, then his father opened the box........


Not really suspense, it is just that I have to go now so I cannot write more. This was all from my brain so who knows what direction it will take next, even I don't. I think I got a little better. What do you guys think??I read a couple of books and I am trying to be descriptive like them. I stink at fleshing out my words, but I think I did not do too bad for only a couple of hours that passed in the story.


EDIT: If anyone saw this the sooner you reply the sooner I will update. Please write something if you saw this reassure me that someone other than me is reading this.

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 Post subject: Re: <Enter Title Here>
PostPosted: May 22nd, 2009, 4:35 pm 
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Ancient Dragon
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Location: Somewhere. Plotting
So here is a new update. My next one would be to put these in chapters. Maybe this is all chapter one I am thinking

So the story continues......

Quote:
..... Malik's father opens the box. The moments in which the box was being opened seemed to go on forever. For yet another time that day the world seemed to hold it's breath in anticipation. After what seemed like a year to Malik he could clearly make the contents of the box. The small box had a tinderbox in it, some unidentifiable mysterious sphere shaped objects, and a what seemed to be a folded piece of cloth. What seemed to catch Malik's attention the most was the sphere shaped objects. He was amazed by them. They looked as if they were liquid or gaseous subastances, or both. They appeared to be swirling and shimmering in the light. After letting Malik examine them by look long enough Malik's Father began to explain the items.

"Malik these are all things that have been passed down our family for many generations, and now it is your turn to carry them." Said Sief, malik's father, "This tinderbox was made by my grandfather's grandfather, or maybe even his grandfather, and it is still in good shape. Whoever built it was a blacksmith like you so I thought it would be appropriate to give it to you now. The spheres are much older. Built by one of our ancestors it's fnction is unknown, but I think that you might figure it out. This cloth is actually a bag."

As Malik's father unfolded the bag Malik could not avoid realizing that this clth bag was much different than any other bag. It seemed to shimmer slightly.

"This bag is much bigger than it looks" Said Malik's ather while holding it out. " It can fit many items. All your belongings can fit here. Also it feels very light, and will notbe weighed down by the objects it may contain. If you use these straps to strap it on to your back it will flatten against your back and seem to dissappear until you come to take it off. The one who made this was said to be very like you Malik."

After seeing the items Malik and his father stood there and said nothing for a while. After about five minutes Malik's father held out the box and it's contents to Malik.

"Malik these objects are now yours. You should hold them now. Take them everywhere with you. Also you should get ready Rak'nil will be here any minute now."

MAlik took the objects and went to get ready for his departure. Malik's father knew that Malik was not very emotional, but he wished that Malik would show any sign of love towards himself or any members of the family. He had no idea what Malik thought inside his head. No one did which made many people feel uncomfortable around him. This made Sief fear that Malik would be alone for most of his life. After about five minutes Malik came from his room and approached his father. He outstretched his arms and hugged his ather for the first time he can remember.

"I love you father, and I will miss you" said Malik addressing his father for the last time that day.

Malik then went into the kitchen and repeated the process with the rest of his family members. Then he walked outside and left to go by the old blacksmith Rak'nil as his mother and sisters cried silently as mothers and sisters usually do....


So If anyone read this please tell me you oppinion of this update and the previous one.

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 Post subject: Re: <Enter Title Here>
PostPosted: May 25th, 2009, 10:28 pm 
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Ancient Dragon
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Location: Somewhere. Plotting
Seeing that no one is posting or commenting I am ending this topic. I am no longer going to continue this story, but I will make a new one. My other new story will be under the title Begginings. If you want to convince me other wise pm please.

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