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 Post subject: Prisoner of Myself *Part 5*
PostPosted: March 11th, 2009, 9:51 pm 
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Well, since the writing forums are back; might as well post mine. 8D

This is a short / not-so-short story I'm writing, it's from my currently unnamed campaign and centers around my character Tobias. Hope-a-ya like it. :3

I've got several installments of it posted on dA already, and I'll get around to posting them here over time. :)

Quote:
The wind blew through the village of Belhron like icy needles, seeming to herald the approach of, what would appear to be, an early winter. And while the villagers were well used to cold weather, this particular storm had come too early… far too early. Many were beginning to fear for their crops, and with the snows from the north coming so quickly, it was likely that all trade caravans would remove Belhron from their routes. And, with food supplies being low as it is, the villagers had begun to salvage what sustenance they could before that fateful first blizzard hit.



Tarah was walking through the empty streets, the cold had most of the men out gathering what food they could, and most of the women and children stuffed up in their homes, keeping warm. But there was no time for such nonsense, Tarah had work to do and no winter nip was going to discourage her. She walked briskly along the chilled road, with nothing but the wind and the sound of her footsteps to accompany her.

Soon she arrived at her destination, an old bookshop. She quickly pushed open the door, and the tinkle of a bell alerted the old bookkeeper to her presence. She walked quickly up to the counter, and that familiar face slowly crept its way around one of the many bookshelves.

Tapping her foot and rolling her eyes at his slow speed, Tarah took in the countenance of the old man, yet again. He had a very wizened, yet slightly insane, look in his strong, blue eyes, and he walked with a slight hunch and a minor limp. The strands of silver hair left hanging on his head were long and wispy, and a light beard was beginning to protrude from his skin, which typically happened during the winter months.

As he, finally, reached the counter, the old bookkeeper, Marin, met Tarah with a warm and slightly curious smile.

“What brings you to my humble shop so soon? Why, it was only yesterday you were here last, usually it takes you at least two days to read all the books you can manage to fit in your bag.” Said Marin with a wry smile.

“Yes, well, I still haven’t finished that book on Frost Giants, and I’m only halfway through The Composition of Norian Runes.” Tarah replied, slightly sarcastically, “But I’m not here to return books; actually, I was wondering if you had anything on manipulating the weather with magic, this storm is just too early for nature alone to cause, and the whole thing has a foul air about it.”

“I see, our local magician is going to save us from winter,” Marin commented, chuckling to himself, “And I’m afraid I don’t have anything related to controlling the weather, I generally try to keep more… realistic books in my shop, eh?”

“One, I’m not a magician! I’m an apprentice mage!” Tarah snapped, “And, two, there’s nothing unrealistic about manipulating the weather! We can manipulate wind and water, which is all storms are, and it’s a perfectly plausible theory to take the same principles, run it through an amplifier, and-“

“Nonsense and jibber jabber!” Marin interrupted, waving his hand in dismissal, “If mages could control the weather this province would be much better off, and I don’t think our cunning magician is likely to think of something a trained Archmage didn’t.”

“I’m not… a magician…” Tarah muttered under her breath.

“What’s that? Speak up, girl!” Marin demanded.

“Well could you at least check for something, even remotely related, to weather control? And if you don’t have anything on that, I’ll take whatever you have on wind, frost, and water magic.”

“I’m afraid this isn’t a Mage’s Library, my dear.” Marin chuckled, “I don’t believe I have a single magic book in here you haven’t read at least twice.”

“Well I’ll read them again! I just want to study the principles involved and find out how I can detect a magical storm. Would you just look?!” Tarah practically shouted.

“Very well,” Marin Sighed, “But I don’t think it’ll do ye any good.”

Tarah sighed at his clear incompetence, why was it so hard for people to accept that a new idea might possibly be true. She continued tapping her foot as the old man slowly shuffled around his small shop, gathering books in his cart as he went. She looked outside the window, and noticed that, not only was the window frosted over, but the puddles outside were freezing solid as well. Fall had only begun two weeks ago; there was something definitely wrong with this storm.

“Well-“ Tarah jumped, lost in her own thoughts, she had forgotten about Marin completely, and his sudden return had startled her.

“-I’ve got four books here. Theories of Water, Basic Wind Runes, Fundamentals of Storms and their Origins, and A Compendium of Elemental Spells and
their Uses.” Marin said, dropping the dusty books on the counter.

“These should do nicely, thank you, Marin.” Tarah said, purely out of politeness, as she had planned to already be back at her desk studying about ten minutes previously.

Waving farewell to Marin, Tarah emerged once again in to the frosty air. Within ten steps, she was already shivering… her winter nip had turned into a bite. She quickened her pace as she traversed the quickly fogging streets.


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 Post subject: Re: Prisoner of Myself
PostPosted: March 12th, 2009, 11:06 am 
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Wow, very attention grabbing.
Can't wait to see what else you have on this.
Do you have a name for the world you base this story in?

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 Post subject: Re: Prisoner of Myself
PostPosted: March 12th, 2009, 11:41 am 
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Naise :U!
While old Fantasy and magic is not completely my thing, I can appreciate this so far! Haha :]

The one thing I'd suggest--is to try and introduce a little more 'personality' into your writing. Right now, it reads a little like a text book to me--in terms of your writing style. Everything is so 'matter of fact' "she did this and felt that". I know it's a little more difficult to do so when it's written in third person--particularly third person omni. But really try to get into the character's minds. When you focus on the action of a character, try to have some of their personality show through in the way you describe what they are doing. If the character is sassy, be sassy as you talk about them. If your character is withdrawn and shy, be shy and timid in the way you describe their actions. Take on their personalities in the writing style :] That'll help us as the readers to dive into the story a lot more, and really feel the character--rather than feel like we're staring down on them from the sky, quite detached.
For this, word choice is important. I find typing words that the character would actually say--really helps.

for example: As he, finally, reached the counter, the old bookkeeper, Marin, met Tarah with a warm and slightly curious smile.
Might read better with a bit of an 'old book keeper' tone: As he finally approached the counter, the old bookkeeper Marin, met Tarah with a warm and rather curious smile.
A wise man, needs less conventional word choice. And it doesn't need much--just a few words here and there can really change the personality of a sentence. :]


Anyways, fun stuff so far, dude! <3

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 Post subject: Re: Prisoner of Myself
PostPosted: March 12th, 2009, 5:32 pm 
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I like this. She reminds me a bit of Belle except with more sass and impatience. She's a very interesting character I must say. I want moar! <3

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 Post subject: Re: Prisoner of Myself
PostPosted: March 13th, 2009, 12:42 pm 
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Thanks gaiz!

Part twooooo! :D

Quote:
It was nearly midnight, and Tarah was still sitting at her candle-lit desk, composing rune circles, formulating theories, and attempting to conjure a rainstorm over a wooden bucket. She had nearly fifty pages of parchment, filled with ideas and theories, scattered about her desk and floor, and had already used up two inkwells. So far, all she had managed to produce was a small puff of fog, which quickly dispersed into the air.

She shivered, and began tugging on her hair. Due to the necessity of cold air to create a storm, Tarah had been forced to put out her fireplace, leaving only the few small candles to warm her. As her latest attempt failed, Tarah knocked the large stack of parchment off her desk and nearly yelled with frustration. Perhaps the old man was right; perhaps storms were just too complicated and powerful to be dictated by magic. But, still, Tarah at least had theories on conjuring a storm, and all she had wanted to do was discover if the storm outside was natural or not.

Slightly heartened by this thought, Tarah decided to see if she could discover the origins of this storm. She gathered up her notes, a crystal to detect and record magical currents, three coats, and a satchel filled with white magic, and then headed out her door in to the forest bordering the city.

Soon she had reached a suitable clearing, but was already quite shivery, even through all three coats. And unfortunately, for mobility purposes, she had refrained from wearing gloves, so her hands were getting bright red and very cold, very quickly.

Wishing to get back in her home and start a fire as soon as possible, Tarah began the process of amplifying magical currents, so her crystal could pick them up, and she could analyze them. She took a small pinch of magic out of the satchel, and began drawing the proper runes in the air. Soon there was a shimmering circle in the air, filled with her complicated, if slightly lopsided, runes. She placed the crystal in the center of the circle, and it began to spin and glow as it gathered information on the currents nearby.

Tarah began quickly rubbing her hands together, in an attempt to avoid frostbite, as the runes and crystal did their work. Every minute or so Tarah would adjust the runes, as need be, becoming very impatient; it shouldn’t have taken this long to just analyze normal magical currents, perhaps her theories were correct after all.

A faint feeling of triumph began to rise in her, and she smirked slightly as the crystal continued to analyze, what she hoped was, a magical storm.

Snap!

Tarah gasped and quickly turned to her left, facing a shrub that seemed to be where the snap had come from. Terror quickly engulfed her, smothering the moment of triumph. Tarah speedily grabbed the crystal and shoved it back in her bag, the light was sure to be a beacon to anyone passing by, and she could not fend off a robber with that petty white magic. Realizing how stupid she had been to not bring any protection, Tarah decided the only solution was to run. She slowly began to step to one side, not once letting the shrub out of her sight.

Suddenly the shrub was separated, as a man pushed it open. Tarah began to run, but quickly stopped, the man was stooped over, had long unkempt hair, a short, messy beard, and was completely devoid of clothing. He looked at her with fear and desperation, he moved his lips as though trying to speak, and then completely collapsed on the frosty ground.

Tarah was completely baffled, slightly terrified, and unsure about what to do. She knew full well the dangers of taking strangers in, yet no robber or kidnapper would be walking around naked in a forest in the dead of night. This man was in trouble, and would likely freeze to death unless he was helped.

Tarah looked over her shoulder in the direction of Belhron, then back at the unconscious man. Biting her lip, she pulled out another pinch of magic, and performed a quick spell to raise the man in the air and keep him about five feet away from her. She slowly began walking backwards through the wood, back towards her home, never once letting her eyes off the unconscious man, as he could be faking his condition, no matter how ridiculous that might seem.

At last she reached her back door; she paused for a moment and reconsidered letting him in her home. But she couldn’t leave him outside to die, and it was unlikely he would be very welcome at an inn.

She unlocked the door and slowly backed in. She set the man over the couch and dispersed the levitation spell, then threw a few blankets over him and started a fire. She stood there for a moment, contemplating what to do, and eventually came to the conclusion that she could do nothing but to tend to him and wait for him to wake up.

A feeling of drowsiness began to creep over her, but she was certainly not going to bed, at least not with a stranger in her house.
So she decided to keep busy until morning, she set a pot over the fire and began preparing some soup, as the man looked rather sickly. Once it was prepared, she ladled a few ounces in to a bowl, and began slowly pouring it in to the man’s mouth. As she gazed at him, she began to notice just how sickly looking he was; he was extremely pale, his cheeks were gaunt, his long black hair and angular features harshly contrasted his paleness, and he was covered in the water from the great amounts of frost that had been on him. After getting three small bowls of soup in to him and placing a warm, damp cloth on his forehead, Tarah sat down in a nearby chair and pulled the crystal out of her bag. Though the spell had been cut short, she had no doubt gathered enough information to at least form a hypothesis.

Tarah stayed awake throughout the night, studying and formulating. There was, as she had thought, far more magical currents in the air than would be considered normal, and they, suspiciously enough, seemed to be going in the same direction as the storm and the wind. Here, unfolding right before her eyes, was proof of perhaps one of the greatest magical achievements in history, but why? Who would want to bring upon an early winter? Belhron had nothing of value; there was no reason to want to destroy it. It did not contribute greatly to the province’s supply of crops, no one of great importance lived there, and it was not a militarily strategic location.

Suddenly, Tarah felt a surge of energy, not huge, but definitely noticeable and abnormal. She glanced up, and the man was stirring. He did nothing but shift position a bit and groan, but when he did a strong vibration seemed to emanate from him. Tarah’s insides clenched as the pulse came and passed; it was like missing a step while walking down the stairs.

Terrified by the strange surge, Tarah quickly ran upstairs to gather whatever books she had on psychic power, which seemed to be the only explanation for a subconscious energy surge.

She reread what she remembered to be the important points of the book, yet nothing seemed to apply to her current situation. All she really gathered was that psychic power was rare, and difficult to master.

Setting down the book, slightly disappointed, Tarah knew all she could do was wait for him to wake up. But she had no idea what to do even if he did. She didn’t know what he was capable of, so she concluded that she must quickly convince him that she was not trying to harm him, the moment he woke up. To be sure this point was made quickly, Tarah prepared some more stew, got out some old clothes she had lying around for him, and changed out of her black cloak and suit and in to a simple dress.

For hours she waited, doing nothing but staring at him, waiting for that single moment. The longer she waited, the uneasier she became about the whole situation. Overcome with drowsiness, anxiety, and fear, Tarah wanted to yell out and call for help, she felt like she was trapped in a room with a vicious animal, just waiting for it to pounce. After what seemed like an eternity, the sun rose, and Tarah began to notice the men going out again to gather more crops. Realizing how suspicious she probably looked right now, with an unconscious man on her couch, she quickly closed all the drapes.


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 Post subject: Re: Prisoner of Myself
PostPosted: March 13th, 2009, 8:30 pm 
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I thought Tobias was Crow bars character? Good job by the way.

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 Post subject: Re: Prisoner of Myself
PostPosted: March 13th, 2009, 8:34 pm 
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Lmao, no. Tobias is mine, Crowbar just draws him more than me, which is probably bad. xD


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 Post subject: Re: Prisoner of Myself
PostPosted: March 13th, 2009, 8:35 pm 
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I think you are referring to Crowbar's picture of an obese Tobias. That is fan-art, I hope. :amused:

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 Post subject: Re: Prisoner of Myself
PostPosted: March 13th, 2009, 8:56 pm 
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Yeah that is what I was thinking. That thing (obese Tobias) was awesome. :high:

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 Post subject: Re: Prisoner of Myself
PostPosted: March 17th, 2009, 10:02 pm 
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Part three, omaigawd!

Quote:

It was nearly noon when Tobias finally stirred. Tarah had become very engaged in her calculations, so the unexpected movement on her couch rather startled her. She set her books and parchment aside, and watched as he slowly sat up. This time, however, he did so far more calmly, and didn’t create any magical surges.

When he had opened his eyes and looked up, Tarah asked, “Is there anything I can get you?”

Tobias looked around for a moment and then said, rather timidly, “Some more food would be nice. I haven’t really been fed well, and I like your soup very much.”

Tarah did her best not to blush, as her soup was little more than water and a few spare vegetables.

“Alright, then. Soup it is. And perhaps I’ll make some bread as well.”

As Tarah bustled about the house, preparing more food, Tobias did nothing but look around curiously, almost like a newborn child would. Soon, Tarah brought him a rather large wooden plate, on which was a large bowl of hot soup and half a loaf of bread. After getting herself a plate, though far smaller than Tobias’, Tarah sat back down opposite him and resisted the urge to bombard him with questions.

After Tobias had quickly devoured his food, Tarah got him another plate and finally asked, “Uh… so, you think you’re ready to tell me what’s going on?”

Tobias stopped chewing and glanced up at her for a few seconds, then gazed at the floor, and then off to the side, looking rather uncomfortable. He then gulped down the huge bite of bread and coughed.

Then he slowly looked up at her and said, slowly, “I guess I should… I, uh… I can’t really remember much. But I remember, when I was younger, I was always in this big room with lots of things, toys and puzzles and things like that. And every once in a while, this man would come in and tell me it was time for my nap.

“He would pick me up and carry me in to this room with lots of people, then I remember him saying some funny words and feeling very tired. After a minute or two I would fall asleep, and wake up back in my room again. This happened almost every day, and I never really understood what was happening.

“But one day I woke up and I was still in the room with all the people, only now they were all standing over me, I was tied down, some of them were feeling my head, others were writing things down, and they were all so busy that none of them knew I had woke up. I panicked, and I remember them all being very scared, and some of them fell down screaming. I started to cry, and the table I was on started to shake, and all the people who were still standing went running for the door, but they couldn’t open it.

“Soon I remember one of them turning around and screaming something, then there was a very bright light, and the next thing I knew I was back in my room. It seemed like it was a very long time that I was in my room, days went by and the only person I saw was the nice lady who came in to give me my meals. But one night I woke up and there was a man sitting next to me.

“It was hard to tell in the dim light, but I didn’t think this was the man who took me to the other room. I sat up and just looked at him, not really knowing what to think. ‘Hello there, young lad.’ He said to me, his voice was very deep and calm. I said hello, but only because I didn’t really know what else to say. He leaned up closer to me and told me he was here to make me an offer, or something like that, and that I was a very special boy. He told me that he was working on something very important, and that the men who were keeping me here were very bad men, that they were treating me like an animal.

“He told me that he was here to offer me another life, that I could go with him and get out of the same old room, and see much more interesting things. Then he said that after we were done exploring, he would take me to his important project, and that I would get to help in making it. I sat there for a bit, and suddenly really wanted to get out of that room, and see the things outside. The people there had always told me that, someday, I would get to go out, but I never did and eventually just forgot about it. But here was a man, offering to take me away, right then and there; I just couldn’t resist.

“I nodded at him, and he held out his hand to me. It felt very strange, usually the other man picked me up and took my to the other room, but this man was treating me like an adult, he was giving me a choice rather than an order, and I liked it. I held out my hand and he guided me over to the wall. He told me to cover my ears, and I did, then he pulled out something I couldn’t see and said something to it. Then I noticed dust started falling from the roof, and the wall seemed to be moving. Suddenly a huge chunk of the wall was just ripped out and fell downwards, and outside was two men on very strange looking animals, I don’t know what they were, but there was a third one between them.

“The man told me to brace myself, and then he threw me out the hole. I yelled with fright, but one of the other men caught me and set me on the animal in the middle. Then the man jumped out of the hole, too, and landed behind me. Then the animals started going up higher, and we flew away from the keep."


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