NDA Art Critique Message Boards

It is a black rose of death
Like a war inside to choose what’s right
A sorrow for a dove to get caught in a cage
A sad sorrow for those who have no justice
Fear of a dear, so helpless
A war left undone from the 1860s
The sight of blood, the smell of fear and sorrow
Can they forgive the ones who took their freedom
The despair we have brought has killed

this is interesting--at first I thought it was something along the lines of angsty inner turmoil, but quickly realized that wasn't at all what you were writing about here. Interesting way to portray interesting subject matter.

Some of the imagery though, I didn't quite understand. You insert too many words in certain lines--where the idea could be much more clear without them.
For example: A sorrow for a dove to get caught in a cage I tripped over this one a bit while reading it. It might real more smoothly if it was shortened to Sorrow for a dove caught in a cage. A general rule of thumb in writing--is that if you can write what you're trying to say--in less words, do it. :]

anyways, nice stuff! <3

Very nice... for a moment there I was afraid it was going to be teen angst, which can be very pretty mind you, but in the end teen angst is just teen angst.

This has a meaning.

First of all, I love the line "Fear of a dear, so helpless" very nice.

Remember though, even though it's poetry doesn't mean you can neglect grammar. Sentences in poetry are still sentences, and they require periods, and question require question marks.

I have to disagree with Mana's statement about changing the "A sorrow..." line. Although she is right about using only as many words as you need, in this case I think abridging the line actually changes the meaning. But, your two lines, "A sorrow..." and then " A sad sorrow..." are a tad awkward. They interrupt the flow of your poem.

Just a thought

i agree with mana, and i like it!