NDA Art Critique Message Boards

This is a short scifi coming of age story that I've been writing please critique it

------------------------------------------

She stared out the window into the night, black hair gently rustling in the breeze. She sighed once and looked downward where the yellow mist grew swirling in the darkness. The mist had always been a problem; centuries earlier that same mist had been called pollution and it had settled on the ground and had killed most of the life that frequented the now barren surface. But what the radioactive mist had not killed it had changed. Even now people still carried the marks of that silent apocalypse; strange birthmarks and odd traits such as too many pairs of arms and legs to fur and scales –-gifts passed down from humanity’s ancestors that nature had all but thrown away. Some animals such as dogs and cats still roamed the forgotten streets but they were larger, fiercer beasts with savage cries. Then there were the basilisks. She shivered slightly, watching for a large winged silhouette. The basilisks could bend metal, shatter glass, and kill with a single piercing scream. She had seen a victim of one unlucky to come across one of those creatures on a late-night newsfeed; his bones had turned to powder and his heart had burst. It was not a pretty sight. She shut the window and turned away, wincing as she remembered that the thing was still loose, in the city, in the world.The next day as she slowly awoke she heard a sound that echoed in the distance. Basilisk-song she thought as she heard the musical rise in pitch of the cry. Beautiful but deadly. Suddenly she noticed the flashing envelope icon at the right-hand bottom corner of the wall screen. She touched it and saw her best friend Eulalie’s face looking at her in 300 dots-per-inch of clarity. “Come on Val, pick up it’s not like I’m a basilisk or something”. Val winced at her friend’s tactlessness bringing the hated subject up. “Come on Val you can tell me what’s wrong”
Val turned away “nothing’s wrong” she said.
“Come on Val, What’s up”
“Nothing is wrong”, Valarie said fiercely, while turning even farther away so her friend could not see her tears.
“Valerie Marisa Chasley, tell me what is wrong. I have known you for three years and I have never seen you like this. What is up?”
“It’s my dad” Val said quietly. “he’s missing”.
“He’s gone missing before and he always came back” said Eulalie
“He’s never been gone this long and there’s a Basilisk roaming the city I can’t just stand here. I have to do something” Valarie moaned using her hands like a mask.
“Here’s what I would do. I would report him missing and let the hunters do their job. Only an idiot would hunt a basilisk unprepared and even Hunters have their stupid moments.”
“But—“Val said cautiously.
“Just trust me if your father really was killed by one you won’t be alone a lot of people have been killed by those monsters and trust me you don’t want to be next”
“Thanks for listening to me” Val said “you’re the only person who’s cared”
“That’s what friends are for” Eulalie said “If you need to talk to some one, I’ll always be here to listen”
“See you on the nets” said Val and then she closed the window.

This is looking pretty good so far!
One thing I noticed is that in the first sentence, it's a bit awkward because in this bit "black hair gently rustling in the gentle breeze," because of the two forms of gently. Try replacing one with something like softly.
I can't say that I'm any good at writing or critiquing writing, so this may or may not be useful to you.

Thanks I din't realize that I used the word "gently" twice in the same scentence. This is the first time that I have written anything that wasn't an essay so I'm glad that you like it I'll try to post some more as I write it but I don't have much free time.