arya [Profile] 2014/4/13 - 19:37:31
Why is it that we can never save someone in time? Why is it that when we feel the closest to them, they're the furthest away? Why is it that in your last moments, you feel the most alone, no matter who is by your side?
Sorry for the raincloud post here, but I really just need to let this out.
So... my boyfriend of 3 years killed himself two nights ago. And I'm having a really hard time getting through it, because I feel like there was something I could've done. Something I could've said. And I miss him so much that I could hardly breathe through the tears while I drew this. We both dealt with depression and anxiety, and he's the one who got me out of some really dark times. Drawing things seemed to help, so if I have any major style changes, its because I've been living in my sketchbook. He taught me guitar, too, and we both did music together to get out of any blues. We also cooked a lot, although I admit he was better than I am haha. I've gotten better these last few months, and I've been able to put the blade down. It seemed like he was getting better, too... And I curse myself for not noticing something, for not getting there in time, for everything..... Its going to be really hard to pick myself up again, because I feel like he is everywhere, but nowhere at the same time. Cold sheets, no lights on, no smell of his cologne... but yet when I lay in the dark, I can still feel his indent in the pillow or feel a warm breeze pass over my face.
I dream of him, the same dream over and over. Even if I wake up and go back to sleep, which I admit to not getting much of lately. In the dream, I always go home to get something, and I just find him there, surrounded by broken mirrors and blood. And I run over to him and try to stitch up his cuts because the phone won't call 911. He just gets paler and he holds my head in his hands and says "I was ashamed to look at myself, so I broke all of the mirrors... I'm going to be okay, though. I can't see my hands anymore, since its so dark in here." and he just falls backwards and bleeds out on the floor, no matter what I do.
And I swear that I'm going crazy for waking up and expecting him to be there.
I should stop before I get too into depth here. Sorry guys. Anyway, I did a portrait of him... And I've decided that my next few pieces will be of him, in his happier days. I suppose its my way of saying goodbye. So I apologize now for the spam to come.
prysm [Profile] 2014/4/13 - 21:17:7
I'm sorry this has happened. I imagine the pain is unbearable. This isn't your fault.
Please stay strong. I hope that you do not follow in his steps..
NDA is here for you, dear.
[anon]miles 2014/4/13 - 21:53:50
i'm so sorry to hear this and that you have to deal with it :^( prysm is right, this isn't your fault. i really wish there was something more that i could do for you but for now all i can offer you is my sympathy. i hope this pain is able to pass soon. we believe in you and we're all here for you!
missscythe [Profile] 2014/4/13 - 22:35:21
I can't comprehend what you must be going through, there are really no words that could heal your grief. I've honestly been sitting here just wondering what I could possibly say to help but I know there's so little I can do.
I would be thrilled if you flooded the board with your work, particularly if that's your means of closure. This is our oekaki that you are very much a part of and your work should be encouraged no matter the amount! There is no need to apologise.
I'm so unbelievably sorry for your loss. Please don't feel responsible for something like this, surely he would not wish for you to feel that way either.
We are here for you during this hard time. My thoughts are with you. x
elenorasweet [Profile] 2014/4/14 - 2:22:9
I hope I don't come off as a jerk when I say I get what you're going through, though I wish I didn't. I hope drawing helps, I hope you find ways to cope, people to talk to. I know shrinks have a bad rep, but if you ever need to talk to a stranger- it does help sometimes, if you can find one you can connect with. And if you need to talk, I could give you my email- I'm no professional, but I'm a pretty good listener?
arya [Profile] 2014/4/14 - 3:35:40
Thanks, guys, it means a lot to me that you're all here.
Prysm: Thank you, and no, I think I've learned through this the type of agony a death can put on others. So I wouldn't wish it upon anyone else.
Miles: Thank you, Miles. It means a lot to me.
Missscythe: Thank you for your kind words. I'll be putting up some pics later :)
Elenorasweet: Thank you for the offer, I may take it up later. Right now, I feel like its better to not talk a whole bunch, but maybe later when the storm passes a bit.
wolven [Profile] 2014/4/14 - 9:37:41
I'm... I'm not overly sure what all i can say. I guess the key thing is that everybody on these boards cares for one another, and so we will all definitely be here to help you in any and all ways that we can.
I have next to no experience in dealing with this kind of issue, so I can't pretend to understand everything you must be feeling. That said, I think something that may help would be to cherish the memories you have of your boyfriend; that and do what the others said: let it all out in your art. If it helps you cope by giving you a release or anything like that, then I reckon that's a good thing to do.
I really wish there was more that I could do to help. Here's hoping you can get through this, and I for one really hope you do. Don't give up, whatever happens, Arya! We're here for you, so you know where to find us!
arya [Profile] 2014/4/14 - 16:32:9
Aw thank you Wolven TT_TT I love you guys so much, I honestly broke down crying reading all of your kind comments... Thank you, words cannot express.
[anon]whoviandragon 2014/4/14 - 18:23:8
I pray for your strength,Arya. He isn't gone. As long as you keep him in your heart,he lives on. Life is like this. You'll get lost but you'll always be found. Just know your not alone. No matter how your heart is grieving, no matter how hard the obstacle, I know you can make it through. :-)
dreyacira [Profile] 2014/4/15 - 4:19:18
I'm really sad to hear about this tragedy. I can't say anything that hasn't been said already, but I wanted to let you know that I'm here for you as well. I'll keep you in my thoughts and hopes.
imagamaker [Profile] 2014/4/16 - 4:28:27
It looks like the commenters above me have covered the matter already, but I want to let you know I am sorry for your loss...
Remember that your family and friends are there for you, and I hope things will perk up for you soon. Be strong :)
silvershadow [Profile] 2014/4/16 - 19:23:46
*offers the ineffective solace of an Internet hug* I wish I could give you a real one. <3 I'm so terribly sorry... Don't be too hard on yourself. *hugs again* Like already mentioned, I'm trying to think of something to say, but I truly can't speak... I just want to let you know that we all love you here, and we care for you and are here for you. Draw as much as you possibly can, m'dear! <3 No need to apologize. *hugs again, tightly* I am so very sorry...
arya [Profile] 2014/4/17 - 3:54:26
Thank you so much, you guys :)
dragongirl508 [Profile] 2014/4/21 - 20:3:53
dont forget little old me, im still lurking these boards. though im not sure if i remember ya (trust me: VERY bad memory of names) but im here for ya, as we all are. we artists on this little site stick together, heck even a family here. weve got eachother.
as for this, i envy your skill at realism. that hair. O3o
[anon]arya 2014/4/22 - 19:20:41
Aw thanks. And ya I'm trying a new technique, the hair is only the 2nd watercolor brush, blended out and then outlined and tugged with the back round colour and highlighted with the blue.