 wolven [Profile] 2012/11/25 - 14:42:22
Because I'm still following my fanfic plan atm, i shall have to post the chapter or part of it later. It'll explain itself.
On another Note... OI!!! FOXTROT! Lookee here please!
Earlier today, (that is by my timezone at least) were you playing Goldeneye on the Nintendo Wii on the Nightclub level online? Cuz I for one had the weird notion that it was you who i kept blasting wiv a shotgun ingame?
miles [Profile] 2012/11/26 - 1:2:48
wow, i really love the shading on the skin here *-*
wolven [Profile] 2012/11/26 - 2:34:16
Chapter 2.
Riverhead.
Cane awoke to the sound of birds, tweeting happily in the sky as the Dawn strolled into life. The wind whistled through the Blackwood, rustling the foliage the woods held and creating a shelter for him, but just enough to give him a light breeze, and it was so… Annoying.
He grumbled as he turned over on his bed roll, attempting to fall asleep again, but it was too bright to go back now, so he simply lay face up in his bed. His insides had turned stuffily warm, and a sickly taste pervaded the insides of his mouth. He suspected at first that someone was hammering a massive rivet of red hot iron into his skull, having mistaken him for some kind of boat. Then his senses kicked in.
He rolled over to the side and vomited into a ditch in the forest, before rolling back to his former position. Something landed on his nose.
Warily, he opened his eyes to a dazzling blue, and for an instant thought there was something very wrong with himself, before he noticed the exquisite markings on the blue. The wrinkles on his forehead creased inwards as he frowned. The blue was mocking him.
“What? I’m up, Okay?” He growled irritably. Anxiously, the blue looked at him oddly, before fluttering away. “Damn butterflies.” He cursed and extricated himself from his bed roll and grasped a tree branch for support as his legs and feet flailed around like fishes.
When he had a steady stance, he picked up his Spade and put it over his shoulder, getting ready for work. Cane never really changed clothes unless he absolutely needed to. Having observed how the rest of his race, and he guessed humans would be similar in this, how they squandered their gold on clothing that would not be worn half of the time they were alive. It seemed rather pointless to him, but armour was something he never joked about.
Crossing the stepping stones to the graveyard with great difficulty, having slipped several times, he made his way across and found the allocated spot for the next to be buried. His hands gripped around the spade, he set to work and plunged the blade deep into the earth.
* * *
“Cane! Cane! Cane! I’ve been looking for you everywhere.”
“Huh?”
Cane paused for a breather; his work was arduous and slow, and particularly nasty this day due to the throbbing in his head. Looking around, he saw one of the village children running to him, her right arm curled around her precious teddy bear, and her left was flailing madly with the effort of running. This child was Yeersha, whom he knew to harbour a sharp admiration for him and as such she often went to him if she had trouble. She was also very stubborn for a young girl of eleven. She had very pointed ears, like her race, but she had very little lobe, and had quite a lot of baby fat still on her, but her face was still angular. Her hair was long and a deep shade of green whilst her eyes were a mesmerising purple. She was however, very small.
Though he was fond of her, today was not one of Cane’s good days, and so he found it difficult to smile when she neared him.
“Hi Cane!” Yeersha squeaked in her adorable little high pitched voice, clutching her teddy, ‘Morgan’- who was missing an eye, close to her chest.
“What’s up kid?” He grumbled, planting the spade in the ground, kneeling and resting his head against the handle.
“Wow… you don’t look well.” She said, examining his arm.
“Oriel pushed me a bit too hard last night. I swear I will never drink that much again.” Cane said with a hoarse voice.
“You said that last time he was here.”
“It won’t stop me from giving him hell for it, if he isn’t suffering worse than me by now.”
“Why’s that?” She asked with gleaming eyes.
Cane cursed, “I don’t know, my head hurts too much. Now did you need something?”
“Yes I did. But what does that word you used mean. You said b-”
“If I catch you saying that word to anyone then you’re in big trouble, Yeersha. And don’t ever say it anyway. It’s a bad word.”
“Yeah but…”
“You’re too young to know what it means.”
The girl pouted, and setting the teddy down, struck a pose with her hands on her hips, and glared at him. Cane forced himself not to laugh.
“Says who?”
“Says me. Now what do you need?”
“I was inside my house when Molag got out. Mother and father are out in the fields, and I need your help to get him back.”
Cane sighed. Molag was a tricky little monster of a hound who had a reputation in the town as an agent of chaos. Wherever the devil-hound was, disaster would soon follow. Oddly, Cane and Yeersha’s father were the only ones who could control the dog out of wits, so it was no surprise that Yeersha came to him for help.
“That dog’s a menace. If Mum and Dad get home and he’s not there then I’m dead, Cane. Dead!”
“Why me?” Cane asked blindly, hitting his head off his spade.
“You’ve nothing better to do and I will be in very deep trouble. Plus you’re the only one who can trick that dog!”
“What do you mean? I have to get these bodies in the ground.”
“No you don’t its your day off today!”
“Huh?” Cane looked at her in alarm.
“Remember, every seventh day is your day off.” Yeersha said with a victorious smile.
“Damn!”
She grinned widely and grasped his hand, pulling him away from his comfort.
“By the way, where did you learn to pose like that?” He said, giving into laughter. Yeersha looked down in shame.
“My sister…”
* * *
pumadragon [Profile] 2012/11/26 - 20:36:24
ok, a couple of things. So, I know you said you weren't too great with bgs, so I'm gonna try to help you with the one you have here. I know there's snow on the trees, but we should probably be able to see more green from trees behind the ones in the front (basically there should be more green in between them) Also, snow piles up on the trees, so you see the bottom of the branches. Like this: https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQymZi1WbJuyIieIjf7qOObtRtPS58R7scHzap0SFv-noXtCzQQ_Q And perhaps you may want to try using a darker shade of green, and use more of it so there is more contrast in there as well. Maybe you should get more practice drawing evergreens like that because a lot of your story so far is happening in that kind of habitat. You don't have to of course but I'd really like to see you try. :P (I hope I did not seem to harsh on any of this)
As for things I really liked, which there are quite a few of, I really like the handle on the shovel, how you created it. I also like the green hair, and Cane looks so funny in this, banging his head against that spade. About the writing, I feel like you're improving quite a bit. I like the name of the girl a lot, and also your text flows more easily, there were hardly any errors that I saw, and there weren't any awkward places in my opinion, except if it were me I wouldn't use "fishes" as a representation for what Cane's hands were doing. Maybe try something different like say they "fluttered like birds". It makes more sense to me because when I visualize a fish on land, it's more just kinda slipping/flopping around. Dunno. If you disagree with any of this, it's fine because you're a far better writer than me, it's just that you said a while back you wanted more comment type stuff so I tried to come up with some useful things. (Although I have my doubts as to whether this will actually help, I'm not the best critic)
Overall I like this and your writing a lot! I look forward to seeing more of this!
pumadragon [Profile] 2012/11/26 - 20:38:23
aw crap. I didn't realize the "fishes" part was about his legs and feet. Sorry about that D: yeah, I guess it makes more sense now....sorry.
wolven [Profile] 2012/11/26 - 23:0:40
Believe me Puma when I say that constructive criticism is not harsh in the slightest. I'm glad you like this bit of the chapter, but I have much more to post of it so grammatical errors could still be a problem. I was trying to make these earlier chapters quite humorous because a bit later the story darkens somewhat, but nothing too explicit.
Thats fine Puma, everybody makes mistakes when reading. Also, I'm not quite sure if those links you posted work or not. They don't seem to...
Anyway, Thank you Puma, as always your help is appreciated and you can count on it that I will keep this up! :-]
lennythynn [Profile] 2012/11/27 - 0:17:10
*whispers* For the link, highlight the address, rightclick it, then select "open link in new tab". Note, this is for FireFox, I've no idea how it would work in other browsers.
pumadragon [Profile] 2012/11/27 - 16:31:31
yeah, I think I needed to put in a space in next to the link there or something...the oekaki didn't take care of it when I posted the comment. blurg... :/
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